|Posted by Barnaby on January 25, 2016 at 3:30 PM|
I have a perpetual problem of wanting to be liked. I may have spoke about it before. If I did, I hope I didn't offend you. You see? Can't help myself. This has caused, in the past, me to often become somewhat of an inveterate apologiser. Seriously. Some of the nasty crap that's been thrown at me by people who I've tried to help and support (and, in fact, *still* try to help and support - because I so desperately don't want anyone to dislike me) would have your ears falling off with stress and your eyes popping out in panic. I'm not a nasty person. I never have been. I lost a lot of friends when I was younger, simply because I was ill. You know those mates you still have in your circle, that you went to University and School with? Oh, I have them on Facebook. But, the majority of them buggered off when I was seriously unwell. So, I inherited my sister's friends - who were lovely and supportive. But, again, there is always a point where I go from being the epicentre of a group to being villified and attacked by someone over something I don't have any control over that I end up in shock and not wanting to defend myself, as I can't believe people would think what was being said was anything other than lies.
I don't get it. Genuinely.
If you look at my Facebook Wall, you'll see me spouting off about this event or that, about someone or some group to be liked, or a video to be watched, some music to listen to, a book to read, a vlog, a blog, a charity to donate to, or to highlight someone's venture. All of these are people who I call friends. Most of them, at some point, have been a tad rude to my face or behind my back.
As I said. I don't get it.
I live my life day-to-day. I'm lucky I can do anything creative. And when I do, I downplay it. I think most people assume everything I do is easy. I make it look easy. It isn't rocket science. But, this seems to cause jealousy and I desire to either use me as a stepping stone (to where, I've no idea - I'm not exactly more than one rung up any ladder) or take what I do and go away and copy it fairly obviously and then expect me to congratulate them on the thing they're doing that I was doing first. It's bizarre.
I like Facebook. I like keeping up with people's lives and I like having friends. Friends mean the world to me because I lost so many when I was seriously bed-ridden and expecting to snuff it on the hour, every hour, for months and months and months. But, it's occured to me that I try to hang on to friends. I didn't get why I'm excluded from groups or not asked to join creative projects or just basically ignored when I ask how they are. But, I do know. I trust people implicitly and I'm always shocked when they show their true colours.
I get it. It took a while. Probably a good twenty years.
I don't need friends to like me. I just need to like myself. I don't need friends to praise me. I just need to praise myself. I don't need friends to put me down. I just need to stick up for myself. I don't need to apologise for living my life. I just need to live it with the same ethos I always have. Love. Light. Peace.
I'll support you, if you're a friend. But, to my knowledge, in all the nastiness that's been thrown at me over the years by various people - and my amazement at other friends still thinking that's okay to do that - I don't think I did anything wrong. I certainly didn't do anything intentionally and I never understand why I'm the one attacked. I've been told it's because I don't fight back. I pacify. I try to see the good in people but then get hurt when they do it again or when friends I thought would stick up for me just ignore what's going on and become closer to the friend who's digging the knife in.
These are rare instances. I don't spend my life fighting these battles. But, you know, they are battles when they happen and they upset, stress and play on my mind for years and years. I don't ever get over them. I try to forgive but I never forget.
Basically, I'm trying to tell each and every one of you that I like you. If I'm your friend, I'll be interested in what you're doing, how you're doing and who you're doing it with. I'll support you and try to be there if you need me. I'll go above and beyond just because you've had the good grace to like me and want to be *my* friend.
However, from now on, I'm not going to build bridges that are burnt. I'm not going to forgive someone who speaks out of turn. I'm not intending to work with people who haven't supported me. It could mean a seriously reduced friendship group but perhaps it would be one that respects me a little more and doesn't think I'm a soft target?